Throughout the dating years my husband and I went back and forth and I finally caved saying that I would consider having a child as long as we also either adopted a child or fostered a child. To be honest I always figured I would outsmart my husband by bringing in the other children and he would fall so in love with them that he would understand that biology didn't mean anything. Apparently God had some other plans for us.
On Father's Day 2006 of all days, we realized that I was pregnant. To say that I was shocked is an understatement. I have never been so confused about my own feelings before. I wanted to be happy for my husbands sake but I just couldn't be. I felt like it was the worst possible timing ever. I had just found my dream job and was looking forward to kicking my career into serious overdrive and we had been making plans to do some traveling over the next couple years. I really felt like my life had just been ripped away from me without my permission.
It didn't help that the experience of being pregnant was the most miserable experience in my life. I refuse to lie about this because I know there are other women who've felt the same but are too afraid to say it so I'll say it for all of my silent sisters out there... I would look at other expecting moms who were so happy and feeling better than they ever had in their lives and seriously just want to punch them!
I felt like I was the guy in Aliens, you know the one that had the creature come out of his chest/stomach! Pregnancy was weird and feeling something moving inside me and the realization that something was feeding off of me grossed me out... there I said it! Now all you perfect let's sing a Disney tune mommies out there can pick your jaws up off the floor and breath because while I really did have those feelings they all went away the second I held my son for the first time.
Zander was born on Valentines Day 2007. I have to admit that I was surprised at how instantly I loved him and how quickly my protective instincts kicked in. He was perfect, 10 little fingers and 10 little toes, all his features were symmetrical, his head was perfectly round, there were no extra limbs or large birthmarks and he really did have the cutest button nose you've ever seen.
