4/10/14

Today I failed

Today I failed

I failed my child
I failed myself
I failed our special needs community

One
Dreaded
Word

PARK

I went to take Z to the park today.  He loves being outside more than anything in the whole world.  Upon arriving at the park I grabbed the last parking spot placed the car in park and turned off the ignition.

"Park, park, park, swing, yessss!" Z is excited in the back seat.

I am FROZEN.
I am hyperventilating
I am crying?? what the hell??

I'm looking at a packed park with easily 60 kids running around and their parents and I can't move.  I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or what but I don't have my emotional armor with me. All I can think of is my beautiful boy running out there and climbing the wrong way up the slide or blocking the slide and dancing like a monkey or suddenly breaking into a song (which sounds like some death metal anthem to anyone who doesn't know him well enough to know he's "singing".  Without even leaving the car I can already feel the stares and the nasty looks and I can hear the snide comments and the questions like," Why are you so weird?"  "Go away" and I can see my kid standing there just wanting to play too but not knowing how to do anything else other than what he's doing and at this moment I realize he may never know how to be around other kids, he may truly never have a friend in his whole life and I can't fix that for him. 

He was on his way, in Pre-k and K he was in a class that was half Autism half typical peers and he came a long way but after that the district then either sends them mainstream if they can or isolates them in the special ed system.  Without exposure to typical peers it's very difficult for our kids to pick up correct social behavior or play skills.

Back to the park...

I can't breath and I feel like my heart is being ripped in half.  I just can't go out there.  I can't let HIM go out there.  I can't face all those people, not today.  Sobbing I turn the car back on and back out of the parking space.  My beautiful excited boy begins to cry and point out the window, "Swing, Park, Outside, Park, Swing, Yes!" 

I just broke his heart too and I feel like the biggest monster on the planet.  I drive as fast as I can to a little neighborhood park that is empty and he's so sad when I open the door and I know it's because he wanted to play among the other kids at the big park.  I took that from him, I broke his spirit. 

What message did I just send my son?  I FAILED HIM COMPLETELY.

Don't tell me I didn't, don't tell me I was looking out for him, don't tell me I'm only human.  Being human doesn't excuse me from doing what's best for my son.  Let's cut the b/s and be real here.... I was looking out for ME.  My heart couldn't take the inevitable stares and comments.  I was protecting my own feelings and I let my own feelings dictate my actions regardless of how it made my son feel.  Yes FEEL, he may have Autism but he very much has FEELINGS.

The irony is it didn't matter, after about a half hour at the deserted park one lone little boy about 9 or 10 rode up on his bike to shoot hoops and proceeded to stare at Zander with his nose and eyes all scrunched up.  I can't escape it and that was the universe telling me it's going to happen no matter where you go so you may as well go where you want to in the first place.

I wish I could say this was the first time that I've shy'd away from taking Zander somewhere but it's not.  I know keeping him isolated is a proven detriment but I also don't know how much he comprehends of the mean things people say and the nasty looks they send him and us.  Fear made me  miss an opportunity to see my kid smile and play today.  I missed an opportunity to expose all those people to Autism.  I missed an opportunity to show my son that he has every right to go where "normal" people go and do things that "normal" people do and I missed the opportunity to show him that I believe in him.

Today, I failed...
Tomorrow, I will try not to repeat today's mistakes.