8/6/13

Not just my stomach growling today...

So we ate at a family friendly restaurant today and Z did great; he sat in the booth instead of standing or kneeling.  He didn't turn around to mess with the people behind us. He made a few sounds here and there (one of which was a rather loud belch but he's 6 and because of his delays body functions are still something that just happen to him as opposed to him sensing them ahead of time) he then loudly shushed back at us when we shushed him and had the volume up a little loud on his I-pad off and on but that was an easy fix.  He sat through the whole meal, ate his food and when it was time to go said, "Home, Home" in a whiny voice but not a big deal.  There were other kids in the restaurant making way more noise, fussing, running around; by all accounts Z was the best behaved child there.  (He typically is)...

So why then does my child get the royal stink eye from the patrons as he's leaving?  Why do we get judged as parents and looked at like failures, and have strangers shaking their heads at us?  From where we're sitting we're proud of how amazing he just did.  It's taken hundreds of hours of emotionally and sometimes physically draining work, therapy, patience, sweat, tears and oddly enough sometimes some bloodshed (he used to bite and scratch) for our son to be able to walk into a restaurant let alone sit through a whole meal.

I'll tell you exactly what it is.... The typical children are using actual language which our brains can easily process and tune out for us.  They make noises and or behave identical to my son but in comparison go undetected in the same room because it's age appropriate behavior for them whereas for Zander it is not.

In a social setting like a restaurant when our son makes noise it's often toddler-ish in nature because he's behind verbally and when you pair that with the visual picture of him being 6 and not an infant it catches your attention and the brain has a harder time tuning it out because the brain is telling you that what your seeing is incorrect.  So what you see is a 6 year old acting like a 3 year old but what you don't know is that on the inside that's what he is!  It's not that we're bad parents, we're working with him on his level with the abilities that he has. 

I wasn't upset until I saw that it upset my husband and as an after thought I really wish I'd gone back in and politely explained Zander to her.  Maybe she would have shone some kindness then or felt bad or maybe she would have said something horrible; I'll never know.  I almost want to start carrying business cards with the mAUmTISM blog address on them so that I can just hand them out in situations like that with a smile and then be on our way. 

I really wish I could go back in time today because I would have paid for her lunch and walked Z back over, crouched down with him and had him say hi and wave and smile and then I would have turned to her and said, "I bought your lunch today in hopes that you'll pay my kindness forward the next time you're out at a family restaurant or grocery store and you see a weary looking family whose child is acting a little differently.  This is Zander, now you can tell people you've met someone with Autism and how amazing it was that he sat in the restaurant booth next to you, even though the sounds and lights physically hurt his ears and eyes, not fussing, minding his own business eating his food and playing his I-pad unlike the other children whose parents don't even seem to care how out of control they are."

I hate hindsight sometimes, it's ok though because next time I'll be ready to show them the kindness that they weren't able to show my son.  Half of the battle with Autism lies in the duty of Autism parents to help educate the public.  In my book you don't get to complain about a problem if you aren't willing to be part of the solution.

We have a crazy few weeks ahead, big changes, new school, packing, moving, unpacking, losing Z's longest running ABA tutor, possibly (hopefully) gaining a very familiar face as a new tutor, and I know there's more but I'm too tired to remember them all... so keep us in your prayers and wish us luck and if I happen to open my door to find a lovely anonymous glass of wine with my name on it that could be good too!  ;) just kidding... or am I?